Do you ever ask yourself, “Why don’t my dates work out?” Have you discovered a pattern? Have you looked in the mirror and asked yourself what’s wrong?
The mystery is that sometimes it just isn’t clear why a date didn’t go well.
You wore clean clothes, deodorant, hair was clean and your teeth were brushed and flossed.
You smelled good and looked good!
You met her somewhere nice because you’ve learned to meet your dates away from home as a safety precaution.
She smiled when she saw you and you exchanged a very brief and light hello hug or shook hands and then you sat down to talk.
Or maybe you were going for a walk together. Maybe you went to the movies with a drink following, or any of a hundred variations on a first date.
What you thought was a great date turned into a dead end. You aren’t sure why.
You are the one person that is showing up at all of your dates!
There are so many variables that can happen when you are dating but there is one consistent and common thing that happens with all your dates. You.
- You are the one person that is showing up at all of your dates.
- The good news is that you have control over you and you get to make all your choices.
- The not so good news is that if your dating life hasn’t been going very well then you’ve got some work to do girl!
- Right back to the good news, you have total access to you and can make the choices and changes that can turn things around.
When we are single, it is the best opportunity we have to clear up some of the dating and relationship mistakes of our past. I’m serious here. This is the time to set a new direction, take care of some bad habits and design the life you’ve always wanted. That means stop waiting for a new girlfriend to show up to finally do the things you’ve always wanted to do.
Set a new direction for your life and for your next relationship.
Do you have goals? For this year, the next 5 years or for your life? Do you know what you want to accomplish in life? Do you have a list of things you want to do, see, experience, create, and be? And are you checking things off that list as the months and years go by? Stop waiting for Ms. Right to show up and tell you what your goals should be. You’re adult. Figure it out for yourself. Own it. Be it. Do it. CREATE IT!
Take care of some of your bad habits before your next relationship.
Come on, you know you have them. It’s not uncommon for us to settle into a relationship and get lazy. We gain weight, we stop exercising, we stop growing and learning. Again, that’s called lazy. We get lazy about love and our hearts start to shrivel up like the Grinch’s. We start eating too much, drinking too much and we put off things that we are passionate about. We’re compromising ourselves and we don’t even know it. So get off the couch and set a new direction that includes taking care of yourself and dealing with your bad habits. Pick one! Change it! Own it! Do it!
Design the life you’ve always wanted and you’ll have a better next relationship.
As a single woman, this is the time to live life on your terms. Stop waiting to pick a paint color, pick one you love and paint that room. Stop waiting to take that trip, start making plans, inviting friends to join you and do it. Join the bowling team, softball team or start your own team. Don’t waste your life, the one you’re in everyday, waiting for Ms. Right to show up.
Become your best self. Live your brilliance.
Love your self. Own it! Do it! Don’t wait.
Ms. Right will think you’re a lot sexier and interesting if your life is full of things that make you happy. And it will be true.
I moved from Portland, ME to Austin, TX back in 2009 to take a “big job.” Yep, it was a big move. I was starting from scratch in a city that was completely different from anything I’d experienced before. I had to set new goals, develop some new habits because I was completely removed from family and friends and intentionally design a life that worked in Austin, TX.
When I arrived in Austin, I knew two people and I didn’t see them that often. I struggled to find the gay girl community, which isn’t unusual. People would say to me – Austin is a very gay friendly community, we are everywhere! Well that’s great, but so frustrating. I finally started to say to people, well I’m having a hard time finding the lezzie on the corner with the “L” tattooed to her forehead pointing me to all the other lesbos in town.
We know that lesbos, queer and gay girls are not typically out in the same way that gay guys are out and about in any city. You all know this and it can get frustrating. So I decided to do something about it.
After 6 weeks of having far too much alone time, I started a meet-up group called the Austin Lesbian Coffee House. It was the vehicle that allowed me to express part of myself – the social out and about gay girl. I got to meet women in Austin, develop new friendships and get out and learn about the city. I took the idea from a similar group I was part of in Portland, ME. This Austin based group has over 1200 members now!
What really amazed me was that no one had done this before. In this big city, there was nothing like it. Since then, I’ve watched similar groups for gay girls springing up with different focuses and this movement is growing around the country. The access to others that has been created by Meetup.com is phenomenal. Groups like the Austin Lesbian Coffee House and others gives us a place to find support, like-minded women and to share experiences.
Here’s an interesting little fact about the Austin Lesbian Coffee House, many of the women who are part of this group have lived in Austin for most or all of their lives. It had never occurred to them to create a group like this. Over the last two years, I’ve had many gay girls tell me that this group has changed their lives. They have new friends, there are things to do all the time, they’ve found new joy, and they are no longer depressed, no longer suicidal, no longer feeling desperately alone in the world.
The point I am driving at here, is when you change yourself, you change your world and your experience in it. Change yourself and the results you are getting will change. Not maybe. Not might. Will definitely change.
Next time you wonder “why don’t my dates work out?”, turn the mirror on yourself and ask a different question! What can I change right now to start getting different results?
Write out your goals for the next 12 months. Don’t worry about how. Then pick one and start doing something with it.
Look at yourself in the mirror and take ownership for your behaviors. What do you need to change? Get better at something like listening! Pick one and start learning how to improve and change yourself.
Do something you’ve been putting off while waiting for Ms. Right to show up. Do it now and enjoy being alive in the moment.
Take a cue from the death of Steve Jobs a year ago and his speech to the graduating class of 2003 at Stanford University –
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement Address
Have you ever asked yourself these questions? Have you taken your dating insights and feedback like not getting a second date repeatedly to take a look at your life and see what you can change? I’d love for you to share your insights and big ahah’s you’ve learned about yourself when a date didn’t go as you’d planned? Thanks!!
Warm hugs and much love going your way!
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life and divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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