To date an introvert successfully, there are a few things you want to know. Many of the women I coach are introverts. That’s not unusual, most people are introverted. Heck, even I’m an introvert, which is not the same as being shy so let’s talk about how to date an introvert.

First off, let’s all agree that introverts are great people. They listen far better than the average extrovert. I think that’s a big plus in a relationship.

Introverts generally have a very small circle of friends who they are extremely loyal too; sometimes it’s just one really true-blue friend. Again, one’s friends are a great indicator of the quality of the woman you are dating. But what are the big hits you can make when dating an introvert that will keep her coming back to you for more?

Let’s make this easy and break it down to three rules for dating introverts.  Respect – Tempo – Listen

Do you want to date an introvert? Here’s Rule #1 – RESPECT

Introverts have a high need for privacy. What does that look like? Well an introverted gay girl doesn’t usually spill her life story out into a room of people. She’s not trying to make her life a secret or hold back important information but it’s not her norm to just open up and start talking about things that are important or personal to her.

You show respect by holding what she tells you close to the vest. Put it in the vault and keep it there. You show respect by teaching her new things in private. That could be as simple a thing as how to do something on the computer to how to make beef stew. Where an extrovert would go to a cooking class with strangers and feel fine about it, an introvert isn’t going to enjoy that class nearly as much as a one on one cooking class in her kitchen.

You can also show respect for her need for privacy by never embarrassing her in public, which includes having public disagreements. We’ve all seen couples disagreeing in public venues. Sometimes it’s just a quick discussion that ends nicely but not always. Introverts don’t bring their private emotions into public places. That doesn’t mean she won’t talk about a problem or a tough question that came up, it just means don’t expect to get very far if you do this in a public setting. She’ll clam up and shut down. Now you have the additional problem of making her feel safe with opening up to you again.

Yeah, not worth it right? Learn this rule and use it. Be sure that when you’re dating you’ve got time for just the two of you and learn her favorite quiet places to hang out. Take her there. You’ll find your introvert opening up in some great ways that won’t happen when you’re out with others.

Do you want to date an introvert? Here’s Rule #2 – TEMPO

What the heck does that mean? Tempo is about pacing or timing. Your introverted gay girl needs more time than the average extrovert to change up what she’s doing. Really she needs to be given notice ahead of time that things are changing and she needs to get herself ready.  Think of it as a car that’s going 50 miles an hour and you see a road sign saying Reduced Speed Zone Ahead. That’s a notice to start slowing down to get ready to hit the 25-mile an hour zone.

Your introverted gay girl wants advance notice of changes. She also often likes to have time to transition from one activity to another.  She’s not trying to be difficult, it’s just that the way she processes information (life) requires some time to go from fast to slow and vice versa. If you change dinner plans on her without notice, she may not be happy at first. Give her time to adjust, and you may see that she’s really fine with change if you let her move at her own internal tempo.

She also needs time to think, probably longer than you like. She’s not good with instant answers either. If you’ll respect this about her and not take it personally when she’s slow to answer, you’ll avoid lots of misunderstandings. She’s not avoiding you, she’s trying to process how she feels or thinks about what you’ve presented to her. Give her space and time and let her set the tempo. Sometimes slower is a wonderful speed. Fast is what our culture promotes but it’s not how introverts are built.

If you ask her something and she’s slow to respond, ask if she understands what you are asking. If she says no, then go ahead and explain away. If she says, “Hell yeah I understand but I need time to think about it” then good golly give her time and be happy about it.

Do you want to date an introvert? Here’s Rule #3 – LISTEN

This is a big one. Introverts take listening seriously. When an introverted gay girl starts to share her story, she’s inviting you into her private world. The most wonderful gift you can give is to not interrupt her. Let her talk. Let her find her talking tempo and just listen. Ask a question about what she’s saying and then just listen. Even better, just say, “Tell me more about that.” She’s waiting for you to ask her to tell you more. She’s waiting for confirmation that you are listening and find her interesting. She wants you to ask her to tell you more. So ask her already.

When you interrupt an introvert what sometimes happens is that she stops telling you her story or idea or insight or feelings. She just stops and doesn’t start again. She’s noticed that you aren’t listening to her and she’ll just stop talking. She’s not talking to fill up space or because she’s nervous. She’s talking to share and because she thought you cared.

If you interrupt her, jump to disagree with her, change the topic or the tempo of the conversation, Ms. Introvert often clams up.

If you consistently interrupt her and don’t take the time to listen with care, she won’t be going on many dates with you. She’s someone who will just stop responding to your calls or emails. She’s determined you don’t listen.

Your Ego Interrupts

So what should you do if you’re a serious interrupter? Have you even noticed if you have this tendency?  Practice, practice, practice listening. Put a sock in your mouth. Put your fist in your mouth. Make yourself stop talking and start listening to what she’s saying. Rehearse in your own mind what’s she’s telling you to help yourself pay attention. That part of you that can’t shut up, it’s pure ego my friend.

Her Ego Shuts Down

Introverts have egos too. Ego shows up in an introvert when she stops talking because she is tired of being interrupted or not being heard.  She quits and walks away or you find her sitting through dinner and not talking or responding to you. She’s feeling like you don’t listen so there is no point in talking.

Wrap your own ego up in duck tape; listen to your introverted girlfriend or soon to be girlfriend with a genuine desire to know her better. She’ll bring you into her private space with joy. She’s waiting for someone who wants to listen to her.

That’s 3 simple words: Respect – Tempo – Listen.

You’ll have that introvert wrapped around your baby finger in no time flat and odds are you’ll love her rapt attention on you too.

Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life and divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from being lost and late to lesbian life to being a seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.

Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.

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