Are you a single gay girl who has never dated? Have you been out for years but you’ve never dated? Or was it just recently that you came out? Maybe you are that woman, that fell into a relationship but it’s ended and you’re lost. You’ve no idea what to do to even start dating! What the heck is a gay girl to do?
I was one of those baby dyke types who came out later in life about 10 years ago. I met someone right away and when that ended I was sort of lost and had to figure out how the heck to date? How do you ask for a date? Or ask for a phone number? Wow, it sure felt scary and I felt so out of my league.
Getting a date isn’t about experience. It’s about guts! It’s about courage! It’s about believing you can, you should and you are worth it. It’s about deciding it’s important enough to you to just do it. It’s also about knowing that the word NO won’t kill you, maim you or make you blind.
It also helps to know what to say and how to ask? Or NOT ask for a date. Read on friend…
So let’s talk about how you are going to get a date.
1) Set a date – on the calendar. You are going to set a goal to start asking for dates and get clear on what day that’s going to happen. It gets written in large letters on your fabulous new 2012 wall calendar of women firefighters! (Yeah, we love those calendars!) It is a day that is honored. Meaning, no fudging. No excuses. It could be as soon as tomorrow but no later than 4 weeks.
2) Be clear on age and location requirements at a minimum. You are going to get clear on what type of gay girl you are looking to date. These details aren’t going to be really detailed at this point. They are going to be generalized like age or geographic location (what’s the range?) But don’t get stuck in detailed specifics if you haven’t even been asking anyone out.
3) Tell your network. You tell your friends, family, cousins, hair dresser, doctor, therapist, dentist, daycare provider, teammates, car pool pals, yoga mates, hiking buddies… anyone who is on your side should know you are interested and looking to date. Your list of people to tell may be much smaller, but do you get the drift here? You need to enlist your community to support you.
4) Talk to strangers. Start practicing asking for a date and talking to women you are really interested in by talking to strangers. How? Well get out of the house and go to plain old social events and make yourself talk to strangers! Anyone! A guy. A gal. Straight guys and gals. Gay guys and of course gay girls. Practice putting yourself in uncomfortable situations with individuals who aren’t your target audience. It will make it easier when you are ready to aim at a target if you’ve already learned how to talk to strangers!
This part is important. Too many lesbians I meet who tell me they have never dated or haven’t dated in ages are the same women who never get out, never meet new people and never move out of their comfort zones.
To get a date and to find a relationship requires that you get OUT of YOUR comfort zone.
5) Don’t do this! DO NOT ask that gay girl if she’d “like to go on a date with you!” Don’t use these words; it’s an automatic set up for rejection.
• She might say no and you’ll be wallowing in rejection and abandon your life improvement project. (Ok, she could say yes. Jump in if you must but be prepared for the No should it arrive.)
• You imply that she would be doing you a favor by going out with you.
• You imply a formal date. You are making a move on her. The pressure is on her.
• If she says “no,” you are never sure whether to ask her again for another time. Was it, “No, I don’t want to go out with you,” or “No, I want to go out with you but I’m busy that night.”
• You literally sound like a junior high kid asking a girl out on her first date.
6) Do this! Now the right way to ask a girl out is to say: “Let’s get together and do something sometime.” Your job is to memorize these words. Got it! Read it again. Now say it out loud! Repeat it again. Stand up, go to the mirror and say it to yourself. Yes, do it. Stand at the mirror and watch yourself say it. Put your heart into it. Put energy into it. Say it with a smile. Watch your body language. Think of that gay girl you let get away because you couldn’t figure out what to say to her. Now say it out loud to yourself a whole lot more, with energy, courage and heart!
By using these words, you make it clear that this is a casual meeting. No strings attached. No big deal. Friends getting to know each other.
You are approaching this not as a formal date but a chance to just get to know each other better and have some fun. Guess what – that is what dating should be. Casual, fun and getting to know each other event.
Her response to your request will tell you all you need to know. And in the process two important things have happened. You feel much more safe than if you were throwing your heart out there and asking for a “date.” And guess what, so does she. She feels safer in saying either yes or no! That’s a gift you are giving her.
And by the way, if you’re not good at giving, you’re not going to be good in a relationship. Making a relationship work means focusing on giving not getting.
7) She said yes! If she says yes, be sure and get her number! Also be prepared with at least three different ideas for that “something” to do. Three ideas offers her real choices. She doesn’t have to wonder which is your preferred or second favorite. She realizes you HAVE A LIFE! That’s always fun.
8) She said no. If she says no, say “No problem, maybe another time.” Then mention the three things you had in mind if you haven’t already or add some new ideas to the mix that might create some interest or even a sense of mystery about you. Yeah, you do want to do that. Smile here.
The beauty of the statement – “Let’s get together and do something sometime” – is that it is so much better than asking a question and getting the wrong answer!
So when do you start working on this plan. When would “NOW” be a good time to get started? Yeah, now! The New Year is this week. It’s time for you to make some changes. That requires you to take action and this is your simple plan.
Along with taking action with this simple plan,
take the big step to learn more about how to be successful in dating.
I have two special programs available for you and they are focused
on helping you kick start dating in 2012. Check it out right here.
And if you’re really jazzed at this point, tell me what you think of this article, I love hearing what you think and what’s your dating pain! Please share your comments further down this page. Then join me on Facebook and be a part of this awesome tribe!
Thanks for being here and remember life is happening for you not to you!
Now get out there and hug a gay girl today because happiness is more than a date!
xoxo, Mary
About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a gay girl who’s passed the age of 50, survived menopause, hot flashes and night sweats, raised two children, came out later in life, divorced, grew from being a baby dyke to a lesbian with many dating experiences, has been rescued from cubicle nation and now finds the wisdom of being a bit older as the salvation she always wanted. She’s gone from lost and angry teenager to seasoned life traveler who has a commitment to reach out to the lesbian nation and make a difference for lgbt women.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brilliant selves and creating extraordinary lives. Her focus on authenticity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgender women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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