She just up and disappeared! You thought things are going pretty well with a conversation you’ve started with that woman from the lesbian online dating site. You’ve exchanged several messages with a lesbian who seems like a good match and you’re rushing ahead and thinking there could be real potential here. Then she just disappears. She stops communicating. Your last message goes unanswered for days, weeks, and then finally months.
So you turn to the next best thing – you wonder what you did wrong? Did you offend her? Did she find someone better? Did you say something really stupid? You are obsessing about it. Ohhhh, please stop that!
Perhaps you’ve sent more messages hoping it was just a technical problem and your last message didn’t arrive. Still no response. Or you are just obsessing and can’t let go. Again, stop that!
Women you connect with online sometimes do disappear. That’s one of the frustrating facts of online dating. They just disappear. And to be fair, so can’t you. It is one of the big frustrations of online dating. It can make absolutely no sense and at the same time suck up your emotional energy and brain space wondering what went wrong. One more time, stop that!
Whatever the reason she disappeared, believe me when I say it had little to do with you and everything to do with her. Consider that you don’t know each other. Really, you don’t!
She could be lying about her situation, her location, relationships, work, finances, health and a zillion other things and decided it was better to not meet you. In this scenario, you are so much better off that she’s disappeared.
She could just be exhausted from the process of online dating and going through the “getting to know you” process too many times. Sometimes a gay girl just needs a time out from the dating process.
Something may have happened in her world that truly demands her full attention. She may be working overtime, be ill, someone she loves is ill or she may just have lost interest and energy in the process. And finally, she may have decided you are not a good match and she has chosen the cowards way out.
Whatever the reason she’s hiding, it is unlikely it has anything to do with you at this point. It is now your job to go and SEEK someone else who is available and who is more suitable to you. Recognize that the woman who disappeared without warning is probably a flake and you are better off without her.
You are someone that would have enough “girl balls” to say to someone, “Thanks for your interest but I don’t think we are a good match. I wish you luck in finding love.” Right, see I knew that’s what YOU would do! You would never just disappear.
Why does this happen? Well its not unusual for a newbie to online dating to get all excited and start winking at everyone and sending out emails to anyone. Then all of a sudden Ms. Newbie wakes up and realizes she doesn’t have that much time and she gets more focused and serious and you fall off the radar because she was never that interested to begin with. Damn. Yeah. Consider yourself lucky!
I’ve got a friend who’s got a profile up right now but her work schedule is insane. She’s worked 7 days a week for two months. Can you say “unavailable?” That’s right, she’d love to be in a relationship, but her work life just isn’t cooperating right now. She has told me that she’s had a few communications but its impossible to even set up a coffee date because of her work right now. So she has a tendency to just disappear. No one is at fault, it just happens. She wants a relationship but it’s not her number one priority.
Now it is also possible you offended her. This happens. And its not as if you were trying to offend her, it just happened because you didn’t know she had a secret fascination with tattoos in unseen places and you said that you’ve seen so many bad tattoos and have decided to never get one yourself. So instead of telling you that she has a tiny tattoo fetish, she disappeared while under her breathe calling you a bore.
Again, better she disappear now than later you learn she couldn’t communicate about emotions if her life depended on it. Which unfortunately it does. If she was really into you, then one would hope she’d say something about her tattoos in the hope that you’d soften up a bit and give her a chance. But she didn’t, so time to move on.
Finally of course there is the possibility that she found she considers to be a better match. This happens a lot and was probably your first assumption. Get clear in your head that this is exactly what you are looking for – not just a better match but the BEST MATCH possible. Chances are that you’ll scout, sort and test more than one woman in your online dating life too. So darling gay girl, take a big breath and move on.
Now if you’re the type that needs closure, go ahead and send a closure email. Be polite. Stay out of the anger zone – you gain nothing by being a bitch here. All of these scenarios leave you frustrated and that’s the whole point of why I am writing.
It can be frustrating. It will be frustrating. That’s OK. Be sure to take breaks from being online. Stay invested in your everyday life. Play with friends. Exercise. Eat well. Laugh. Go to movies. Enjoy your buddies at work. And let online dating be just a small part of your full and happy life. Then that frustration that wells up when that special lesbian disappears won’t last long. You’ll shake it off and move on to another great day knowing that special woman is out there looking for you too.
Thanks for being here today! Sending you a big hug, Mary
PS: Check out this report on lesbian online dating sites: www.datingadvice.com
Come on over to my Facebook page right now. I want to see your amazing face and tell me how this article impacted you.
About Mary Gorham Malia:
Mary Gorham Malia is a entrepreneur, business consultant, dating and relationship coach, speaker, writer, strategist, gay girl community builder, mentor, mom and lover of women of all stripes. She has worked for and consulted with Fortune 500 companies, national non-profits and managed multi-million dollar projects. She has also run multiple small businesses.
As the founder and organizer of lesbian focused community groups in multiple states, with members numbering in the thousands, she brings her unique philosophies to women dating women wherever she can. Her unique focus is as a ”Step by Step You Can Live an Extraordinary Life” Gay Girl Dating Coach because happiness is more than a date!
She is committed to serving the gay girl community anywhere and everywhere it is in order to support women in being their most brillant selves and creating extraodinary lives. Her focus on authenicity, humor and daring to dream show up in her writing and speaking and in her own life as well. Not only does she teach women how to date 21st century style but she also works with business owners and executives across many industries including marketing, health services, nonprofits, and technology.
Her business, Gay Girl Dating, LLC, was founded on the belief that lesbian, gay, queer, bi and transgendered women can live extraordinary lives when they understand the principles and practices that make life great and put these practices into action in their own lives.
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